There’s something lonely about you not permeating every crevice of my life. I had always felt like a half shell until you came into my world. Who I am is now so entwined with you. I learned how to live again. Every inch of you is vital to my being. I suppose anyone else would view that as unhealthy, but not having you in my life in that capacity would hardly make my life worth living. Its no affliction, its a life blood. How could I ever live without having known you? What would be of my life without this great force of love for your beautiful mind? I would have little things to get me by followed by bursts of agitated fervor that would give way to stretches of despair, as it always had. Without you…
I feel like a misplaced sock. I feel like the fox I saw on the side of the road mourning its dead companion. Down the street there are rows of lilies that constantly stretch towards the sun with all their might, I too can only hope to reach for you. For so long I dismissed the possibility of a love so great, that in times of suffering, my soulmate would be a star. But now I know that even with no shelter, no food, no money, there is forever a bountiful home in you.
I feel like I should apologize for all the cliche pseudo imagery. I’m a bit insecure with expressing my feelings in this capacity. Regardless, I know you’ll appreciate the sentiment since its not often I go in this direction. I told myself I would when I realized what was happening, you value this too. I didn’t initially understand my uneasiness today. I paced back and forth in my bedroom for no apparent reason, cleaned the entire house, and masturbated furiously. I felt lonely. When I wasn’t distracting myself from it, I attributed it to conditioning alone. I had fallen into the habit of such dismissive thinking as a coping mechanism after several years of hardship. You’ve been a positive influence though. I really wanted to let myself feel that emptiness tunneling through me. This is what I found.
Its now 5am, and I’m still dutifully awake. My body insists on our Saturday night ritual. It must be thinking you’ll emerge from a heap of blankets, or a dark corner? You’d be a terrible poltergeist.
Goodnight my love.