4. Song of Obstacles When my lover touches me, what I feel in my body is like the first movement of a glacier over the earth, as the ice shifts, dislodging boulders, hills of solemn rock: so, in the forests, the uprooted trees become a sea of disconnected limbs- And, where there are cities, these dissolve too, the sighing gardens, all the young girls eating chocolates in the courtyard, slowly scattering the colored foil: then, where the city was, the ore, the unearthed mysteries: so I see that ice is more powerful than rock, than mere resistance- Then for us, in its path, time doesn’t pass, not even an hour."
There’s something lonely about you not permeating every crevice of my life. I had always felt like a half shell until you came into my world. Who I am is now so entwined with you. I learned how to live again. Every inch of you is vital to my being. I suppose anyone else would view that as unhealthy, but not having you in my life in that capacity would hardly make my life worth living. Its no affliction, its a life blood. How could I ever live without having known you? What would be of my life without this great force of love for your beautiful mind? I would have little things to get me by followed by bursts of agitated fervor that would give way to stretches of despair, as it always had. Without you…
I feel like a misplaced sock. I feel like the fox I saw on the side of the road mourning its dead companion. Down the street there are rows of lilies that constantly stretch towards the sun with all their might, I too can only hope to reach for you. For so long I dismissed the possibility of a love so great, that in times of suffering, my soulmate would be a star. But now I know that even with no shelter, no food, no money, there is forever a bountiful home in you.
I feel like I should apologize for all the cliche pseudo imagery. I’m a bit insecure with expressing my feelings in this capacity. Regardless, I know you’ll appreciate the sentiment since its not often I go in this direction. I told myself I would when I realized what was happening, you value this too. I didn’t initially understand my uneasiness today. I paced back and forth in my bedroom for no apparent reason, cleaned the entire house, and masturbated furiously. I felt lonely. When I wasn’t distracting myself from it, I attributed it to conditioning alone. I had fallen into the habit of such dismissive thinking as a coping mechanism after several years of hardship. You’ve been a positive influence though. I really wanted to let myself feel that emptiness tunneling through me. This is what I found.
Its now 5am, and I’m still dutifully awake. My body insists on our Saturday night ritual. It must be thinking you’ll emerge from a heap of blankets, or a dark corner? You’d be a terrible poltergeist.
Goodnight my love.
"And what is the most terrible thing about boredom? Why do we rush to dispel it? Because it is a distraction-free state which soon enough reveals underlying unpalatable truths about existence—our insignificance, our meaningless existence, our inexorable progression to deterioration and death."
I think that life is violent and most people turn away from that side of it in an attempt to live a life that is screened. But I think they are merely fooling themselves. I mean, the act of birth is a violent thing, and the act of death is a violent thing. And, as you surely have observed, the very act of living is violent. For example, there is self-violence in the fact that I drink much too much. But I feel ever so strongly that an artist must learn to be nourished by his passions and by his despairs. These things alter an artist whether for the good or for the better or the worse. It must alter him. The feelings of desperation and unhappiness are more useful to an artist than the feeling of contentment, because desperation and unhappiness stretch your whole sensibility."
What do you have that you did not receive?"
"We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe."
When did we become so small and so apologetic? Why do we apologize for our humanity? Love what you love, and make no apologies. This is your identity. The most horrendous suspensions of freedom are self-imposed. We imprison ourselves daily, hourly.
We have one life, one shot at all the glorious things of life, and we walk about constricted, apologetic, afraid. We have so little time; we have so little space upon which to spread our love and our talents and our kindness. Run toward life fulsomely and freely.
It runs from us so quickly, like a frightened dog or youth or daylight. Chase it and care for it."